My Epiphany

For the entirety of my life I have been in pursuit for perfection, whether that was full marks on my spellings test or being the best at making a cup of tea (which, not being biased but I most certainly am. It's all about the technique.) At first this appeared to be ambition, a self drive for the best in life, little did I know that it would lead to my own destruction.

PERFECTION...does it really exist? I used to think so, and still struggle with this perpetual need to achieve sometimes but the difference is I have learnt. I now know the truth. Perfection doesn't exist, there is no perfect mark, no perfect weight, no perfect pathway in life; that allusive word is false and misleads our minds onto a path of disappointment as we never reach that finishing line and always strive for live.

So why does the word exist? Let's call it an idealism, a method to give people motivation to strive for the best rather than hover in contentment. Don't get me wrong, I am all for striving for the best, but why does life have to be a competition? Not only with each other, but with the world and ourselves? Why don't we instead, strive to achieve our personal best, and what makes us happy and healthy in life rather than what someone else says is 'perfect'? Each of us were created as an indivdual being of light, possibility and beauty, our individual quirks, talents and personality defining the unique and wonderful creatures we are! So instead of punishing yourself and focusing on what you lack or struggle with in life, let us join together and appreciate what we do have! 

How does this apply to me? Recently I have really been struggling with fear of the future, I have missed out on so many opportunites and enjoyment in life down to a horrible disease that I was unfortunate to succumb too, and for four years I have allowed that disease to define and overtake me and my life. As I struggled with mental anxiety, self criticism and a battle between a disease and the desire to lose weight, life lost all of its enjoyment to the point I lost all reason to strive for health. 

But NOT anymore! 

It took all those tears, all those missed opportunities all those self destructions for me to learn and understand that there is no perfect way to do anything in life, and that 'perfect' is doing what is best for you in order to be happy and healthy and living your dreams. Ofcourse it is challenging and I constantly compare myself to others, and fear that I am not things the 'correct' way, but then I remind myself I am doing what my body and soul desire and that is perfection in my eyes. Live your own perfect life not anyone elses. 

I am 18, and currently taking a sebatical from college until September, when I will finish my A levels and then go on to drama school which is what I want to pursue. Does it make me stupid? Does it make me a failure? NO! I am taking the time to find myself, regain weight and health and learn to control my anxiety and enjoy my life rather than using it as a self punishment. And do you know what? I have never been happier! Ofcourse it can be soul destroying feeling like a couch potato sat around stuck in the house all day, or that your lazing around not doing work 24 7, but I have my own work to do at the minute and that is finding myself. And today and the next day, that is my mission! I am going to return to college happy and healthy and strong, and perfection? Well perfection can go back to that illusionary cloud it fell off because I don't need impossibility in my life. I am all about possibility!